December 21st, my birthday, possibly my last birthday. Somehow that last statement can't be real. Can I really be enjoying my last birthday? It feels like I have way more life in me yet but the swollen belly I have can't be overlooked. Is it the cancer in there? Is it the fluid in there? Is it the steroids that I'm on? So, here I am - not living in the moment - right now I should be looking forward to dinner with all my family. Who cares what size my belly is? Who cares what is happening with the cancer? The swollen belly is not a new symptom; I have a lovely outfit on that hides the bulge; I feel beautiful and well dressed.

Today we finished all the little bits of things we could do to get ready for Christmas. We have done quite well all things considered. Only just a month ago I was hoping to get to see another birthday and Christmas and here I am looking forward to birthday and Christmas Eve dinners followed by breakfast on Christmas day with Graham, Paul, Mel and Abby. I'm sitting in the Hospice room right now waiting for Graham to pick up the kids and then me. I just need to get my pain medication and then I'm ready to go. I'm hungry and looking forward to the good food. That in itself is wonderful considering how much I have struggled to eat over the past year. The cancer and the chemo has taken such a toll on my body - more than I realized. I feel that I'm part of an experiment now - just waiting to see what the cancer will do next without the chemo. How much of my ill health over the past year has been due to the cancer and how much has been due to the chemo? I suppose I'll get some answers now.

The book promotions for the past week have been overwhelming but wonderful. However, it's now time for birthday dinner. I know it's going to be a great family memory!